The Best of Texts From Last Night

It’s been about nine months since we’ve taken a look at look at the original website that we featured in our best of the interweb series, TextsFromLastNight.com. Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest instalment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

I went to McDonald’s this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, “the sausages are done” and walked out

Person 1: Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
Person 2: It seemed like the thing to do. There’s popcorn on it too.
Person 1: STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing…pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god’s name did we do last night?

Person 1: But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Person 2: Vodka.

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of “America fuck yeah” along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

Apparently it’s illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans… But the cop complimented my arm. That’s a win in my book.

Person 1: I have the best idea for a new business. It’s going to be called “Lamb-Scape”. We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
Person 2: YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Person 1: ……….

Her husband thinks she’s banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right

Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too

Person 1: WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?’
Person 2: The cougar kind?

So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.

Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went “at least someone found it” VERY AWKWARD

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