After a lengthy hiatus, it’s the return of all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

Move over Plaxico Burress. A man in Washingon has just had a worse incident of shooting yourself because your handgun slid out from under the waistband of your belt. The man was in a Lowe’s Home Improvement store in Lynwood, Washington, when his gun accidentally discharged. Unlike the incarcerated NFL star who shot himself in the leg, things were much worse for this man. His gun shot him in the testicles. Police haven’t released any details on how the man’s boys are doing but even a close call would be ridiculously traumatizing.

The first rule of bank robbery is leave the scene of the crime. Unfortunately for a bank robber in the Washington, D.C., area, nobody gave him the memo. Just before closing, the man walked into a BB&T Bank and demanded money from a teller. The teller handed over the money, the man fled, and the teller sounded the alarm. Three minutes later, the police pulled into the bank’s parking lot and, conveniently enough, standing right there was the robber with money in hand. The robber couldn’t explain why he stuck around after the fact. One thing’s for sure, it was the easiest bank robbery arrest in the history of the world.

Like Ned Flanders once said, “Mercy is for the weak.” Eleven years ago, a judge gave a man who plead guilty to his second drunk driving charge of the year a suspended sentence. Last year, that drunk driver reentered the judge’s life in the most ironic and way possible. The driver crashed into the judge’s car in the middle of the afternoon and was drunk. The police report that his blood-alcohol content was twice the legal limit at three in the afternoon. And that’s why Ned Flanders is smarter than more judges in the 90s give him credit for.

A Bulgarian mobile phone company have demonstrated that superstition has its place in big business. They’ve decided to suspend the number 0888-888-888 after every person assigned to the number in the last ten years died while using it. In 2001, the CEO of the company that controls the number died of cancer at the age of 48. While that’s not particularly odd, there were rumours that his cancer was caused by radiation poisoning by a competitor. The next owner was a Bulgarian mafia boss who was gunned down on a “business” trip to the Netherlands. The number then went to a crooked business man who was killed after police intercepted a $100 million drug shipment from Columbia. The number has remained vacant since then supposedly because of a police investigation into the last killing but now the phone company’s bosses have put out the call to suspend the number for good.

This is a road sign in Swansea, Wales. In Wales, all road signs must be bilingual with the sign written in English and Welsh. This particular sign was put up to stop transports from going to the left. But that’s not how the message in Welsh came back from the translators. In Welsh, the sign reads “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated.” Well, they did but that’s the problem when nobody in the local public works department can read Welsh.