As we always say: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news. If you’re looking for a theme for today’s Not News, I really couldn’t give you one. Maybe I’ll go with Crime & Punishment.

A survey of over 3,000 Chinese have found that prostitutes are the third most trusted people by profession in China. This puts them behind farmers and religious workers but ahead of soldiers, teachers, scientists and politicians. In one Chinese daily English-language newspaper, a columnist wrote that “a list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing.” I wouldn’t feel too bad if I were him. I trust hookers more than politicians too. Fortunately for politicians, they (miraculously) didn’t fall on to the list of least trusted professions. Scoring the lowest in the survey were real estate developers, secretaries, agents, entertainers, and directors.

In Malaysia, it’s okay to whip a student if he gets out of line. But it turns out that forcing a student to smoke after he was caught in class with cigarettes and a lighter isn’t so good. An English teacher forced one of her prize students to smoke 42 cigarettes, 6 at a time, over 2 hours. In addition to the increased likelihood of cancer from smoking that much, the student was publicly embarrassed as several fellow students and teachers witnessed the punishment. The student’s uncle has filed a complaint with the police. Meanwhile, the Malaysian government says that they will put together punishment guidelines for teachers. Tell that kid it’s better late than never after he dies from cancer.

A new ally has been revealed in the world’s war on Scientology. British diplomats at the consulate in Los Angeles secretly compiled evidence in the 1970s to expose Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard as a fraud. While most of the findings were supposed to remain classified by the British Department of Health until 2019, a freedom of information request by The Times caused the files to be released early. Among the interesting evidence is that Hubbard and other senior Scientologists appear to have faked doctorates in Dianetics by creating an unapproved university and awarding themselves doctorates. They also sent people to hypnotize a legal investigator so he would be declared mentally unfit to continue his investigations into Scientology. One Scientology spokesperson said that some of the evidence showed that they were “astronomically paranoid” of Scientology.

They say that marriage is like a roller coaster. One woman is taking that saying very literally. An American church organist, who has a condition called “objectum sexuality” which causes her to be attracted to inanimate objects, will marry an amusement part ride. The object of her affections is an 80-foot long swinging pendulum gondola ride called 1001 Nachts at Knoebels Amusement Park. During their courtship, she has been on the ride over 3,000 times in the last 10 years. She fell in love with the 1001 Nachts when she first rode it 20 years ago. The woman believes that they share a fulfilling physical and spiritual relationship. When she’s not at the amusement park, she sleeps with a picture of the ride above her bed and carries around spare nuts and bolts from the ride. I know I’m the last person that should comment on matters of the heart but an amusement park ride? Seriously?

Fans of South Park know that the best way to smuggle stuff into prison is to hide it in Cartman’s ass. One inmate at a Texas jail didn’t follow that advice. A 500-pound man who was arrested and incarcerated for selling illegal copies of CDs smuggled a 9mm handgun into Harris County Jail in the rolls of his fat. He was searched both when he was arrested and when he entered the jail. No one knew that he had the gun until he told a guard while having a shower. He has been charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility. I wonder if “I didn’t know that it was in there until I showered” is a valid defence for that charge.