The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 8)

It’s been a few months since we’ve done a best of look at the original website that we featured in our best of the interweb series, Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest installment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

Person 1: Thats the last time im “arresting” you to get out of paying your bar tab.
Person 2: What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. “what handy?”

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

Well it’s official… The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?

Person 1: When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
Person 2: That’s not what Jesus is for

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory…

Until this weekend, a man hadn’t made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.

Person 1: Obama’s speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
Person 2: I’m bringing the tv in with me.

Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I’m dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we’ve finally mastered being friends with benefits.

that’s all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it’s bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I’m just not seeing the problem…

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming “COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!” my boss loved it ..

I said geronimo as I came I’m not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

Person 1: He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Person 2: Find him and marry him.

Operation “Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film” is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s