It’s time for another part in our ongoing series in the best of the interweb that can help you through your day. (Well, the interweb that is outside of The Lowdown Blog.) Once again, I take us back for some more of the best stories of My Life is Average. I like this site because it’s a bit more relatable to everyone’s average lives and some of the stories on the website are the sort of thing that regularly happen to people. That doesn’t mean that these stories aren’t funny.
(All stories contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)
A couple of days ago my dad asked me if I needed anything from the store and I told him I needed a box of goldfish. He walked away looking puzzled. After he got back from the store he came up to my room and knocked on my door telling me he had my goldfish. I told him to put them in the pantry to which he responded but they might get lonely in there. Confused I opened the door and found my dad standing there holding a glass box filled with water and goldfish swimming around in it. I laughed so hard I cried. Apparently my dad doesn’t know what the cracker goldfish are. MLIA
Today I taught my parrot to say, “HELP! I’VE BEEN TURNED INTO A PARROT!”. MLIA.
Today, my toaster exploded. It wasn’t even on. MLIA
Today, the whole world came crashing down on me, so I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. MLIA
Today after practice I was icing my swollen hand under my mother’s careful watch. I kept removing the ice and poking my hand to see how swollen it was until my mom grunted angrily, to which I replied “Well its not going down!” She then responded, “Well it doesn’t help if you keep touching it!”. My grandpa, unable to control his laughter any longer, yelled “THATS WHAT SHE SAID!” and curled into a ball, laughing. He’s 94. MLIA
Today I realized that if all the twilight fans and all the Harry Potter fans were to get together for a massive fight, Harry Potter fans would win because Twilight fans can’t stop fighting amongst themselves over Edward and Jacob. MLIA.
Today I learned the names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal, Saito. Note the first letters. Inceptionally blown. MLIA
Today, my baby sister wanted to go on a bike ride. She was looking through the garage, muttering to herself. I asked what she was looking for, and she said, “I can’t find my anti-brain splattering device.” Never again will I call it a helmet. MLIA
Today, I realized that the ultimate chick-flick is the Wizard of Oz. It’s about two women trying to kill each other over a pair of shoes. MLIA.
its my moms “time of the month” again, and she was getting really upset about something. So she was storming around the house and shouting at all of us for different reasons (she gets REALLY cranky sometimes) when al of a sudden, my six year old sister gets up, and starts stomping around and yelling too. when i asked her what she was doing, she responded with “well, mommy shouldnt have to play dinosaur by herself” i love my sister. MLIA
Today I unexpectedly got my period at school and I didn’t have any tampons with me. I started asking my friends in the class if they had any and finally my friend gave me one. I thanked him but I’m still confused as to why Steven had a tampon in the first place….. MLIA
Today in my art class we had to draw a self portrait. Me and my twin just looked at eachother instead of using a mirror to see ourselves. MLIA
Today I was looking through my dads old yearbook. I found a picture of my uncle with the baseball team. I didn’t know he played basketball, so I asked my dad about it. My dad simply told me to turn the page. He was also in the picture of the track team, cheer leading, basketball, football, chess club and many more yearbook puctures. Apparantly he showed up for every picture and didn’t get caught. My favorite picture would have to be the one of him with the cooks in the cafeteria. HisLIA
This past weekend, my Driver’s Ed teacher got arrested for drunk driving. MLIA
Today, I saw a nun with a sword. MLIA
Today, the priest fell asleep during church. MLIA
Today, well yesterday, I was at a youth gathering for my church and I saw this guy wearing some cowboy boots and I commented on how cool they were. He then lifted up his foot and I saw that he had written ANDY on the bottom of it in permanent marker. This guy just got on my favorites list. MLIA.
Today, I found out my great grandpa worked on the Titanic and was granted free passage on the boat to America. On the way to the boat he hit a cow, while riding a bike, and missed the boat. Yes, my entire family’s life was saved by a cow. MLIA
Today, I was looking up the definition of ‘boy’ on Urban Dictionary. The definition was “an animal that can talk.” I approve. MLIA.
I was over at my friends house dog sitting and the dog died, so I called the owners and they said, “oh, its ok, it was very old and we were expecting it to die. Just take it down to the vet’s, they can deal with it.” Living in New York I was just going to wlk to the vet’s but didn’t know how to take the huge dog. I decided on a oller suitcase. I was walking down the street when a man offered to carry the bag. I let him, then after a little bit he asked what was in it. I told him electronics because I thought the truth would be weird. He then proceded to run off. I can’t imagine the look on his face when he realizes he didn’t steal valuble electronics, but a dead dog. MLIA