Not News of the Week

It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

A man in Kentucky has come up with a new excuse to get off on DUI charges and it has to do with him trying to get off. He claimed that the erratic driving that caused him to be pulled over was because his girlfriend was performing oral sex on him while he was driving. The man was pulled over by the cops, failed several field sobriety tests and blew 0.54 on the breathalyzer. I’m not a lawyer but I think that the judge would swallow this defense.

I’ve always thought it’s good for a man to be involved in an anecdote. However, when the anecdote involves you stripping in order to crawl through an air vent to break into a middle school, it’s slightly less dignified. A man in Georgia decided to break into a middle school through an air vent and had to leave his clothes on the roof to fit. However, in breaking in, he set off the school’s alarm system and hid in the ceiling for two hours before the police found his clothes and eventually the would-be thief. He was charged with trespassing and burglary but not indecent exposure. I suppose this incident was embarrassing enough.

When robbing a bank, you should always have a getaway properly planned. Usually this involves a waiting car with a talented getaway driver. For a robber in Durham, North Carolina, this involved a pink girl’s bicycle. Recently, a man in makeup and a wig robbed a bank after handing a teller a note demanding money and indicating that he had a gun. Witnesses saw him leaving the bank on a pink bicycle. No word if it was also the kind with the white basket on the front and tassels on the side but I think he could afford to have those attached now.

Gene Simmons has never met a dollar he didn’t love. However, his latest KISS branding venture will leave a lot to be desired. Coming soon to pharmacies near you are KISS branded condoms. But the kicker is that the wrappers aren’t the only things adorned with the KISS logo. The condom itself has the KISS logo and Gene Simmons’s face complete with his trademark “unfurled” tongue printed right on the shaft of the condom. I don’t know about the rest of you but I can’t see that really this particular condom blowing up.

Some cities have something called movie tourism where people visit cities to see real-life locations used as sets in movies. Miami now has porn movie tourism thanks to The Reality Kings. The internet porn site filmed a recent movie at Miami’s Flagler Memorial. The Memorial was recently restored after voters approved a $1 million project to fix it up. Nobody even realized that there was a porno filming at Flagler until the video was released online which is slightly ironic considering that the Memorial is at a public park and the City of Miami has been trying to cut down on partying at the park. I’m pretty sure that while trying to clean up the Memorial, no one saw a porno coming.

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